Building Relationships (updated 04.03.2021)
Supporting relationships through reconciliation, forgiveness, apology and meeting relational needs
The learning process
Relational choices
Behaviour that puts your relationship at risk
Emotional needs
Do you know what your emotional needs are?
Love Language
The Emotional Cup
Common behaviour patterns when relational needs are not met
Good listening
Bad listening
Teaching and courses
Relationship course to build professional teams
Courses for schools
Four session course for students 15yr plus
Results of parenting programme
Using the material on this web site
Questionaire - how do you want to be loved?
We all want to be loved in a specific way. This questionaire will help you identify how you want to be loved. It will be very useful for couples and parents
Questionaire - What are your emotional needs?
We all have emotional needs. What are they? This questionaire will help you identify your emotional needs.
Love Language Questionaire for teenagers
This questionaire will help the teenager to identify how he/she wants to be loved
Love Language mystery game
This game will help pre-teenagers to identify how they want to be loved
Communication quiz - exploring gender differences
#good communication is vital for a good relationships. How good is yours?
Stepfamilies - some issues and myths to consider

Communication quiz - exploring gender differences

Good   Communication

is a Key to Closer Couple Relationships



               Communication Quiz


Each partner complete the questions by scoring them 

between 1 and 5


  1                              2                         3                          4                       5

  Strongly disagree         Disagree           Undecided               Agree        Strongly agree



A    We are good at sharing positive and negative

       feelings with each other                                          …………


B    My partner is very good at listening to me             …………


C    We let each other know our preferences

       and ideas                                                                 ...……….


D    We can easily talk about problems

       in our relationship                                                  ………….


E    My partner really understands me                          …………



Add up your scores for the questions above                     Total   ………...


Interpreting your score: Range 5-25


21-25  = Your communication is very good

15-20  = Your communication is generally good, but there are    

                some ways it could be improved

11-14  =  Your communication is good in some ways, but also

                needs some improvement

5-10    =  Your communication needs improvement




Now compare your partners scores and discuss.  If you have scored 4 or 5 on the same question these are real strengths which you can be proud of. Discuss the other items and decide how

you can turn them into strengths.




Remember communication involves looking as well as listening as it is through body language that we most express ourselves.








A few tips on how to improve your communication


1.   Try everyday to spend 5 minutes to discuss the following:-

What you most enjoyed about your relationship today?

What was dissatisfying about your relationship today?

How things could be made better for each of you?



2.   Self- Disclosure

Share your inner most thoughts and most private experiences with your partner on a regular basis



3.   Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings and ask for what you want. It allows you to express your rights without infringing on the rights of others


4.  Use “I” statements instead of  “You” statements.

“I” messages do not communicate blame, they are more likely to be understood. In contrast, “You” messages create defensiveness because they sound accusatory.


“You are so inconsiderate to me in front of your friends”

“I feel hurt when you put me down in front of your friends”


5.  Active listening

“We hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that , and remember only half of that!”


Active listening is the ability to listen accurately (remember tone and body language is part of the message!) and repeat back to the speaker the message you have heard.



    6   Daily Compliments


       Giving your partner at least one compliment                

       each day may  sound  simplistic, but it can

      have a remarkable effect  on                                                                                                                                                                                                  

      your relationship.





Common Stumbling Blocks to Communication



1.Making Assumptions

Assumptions are the termites of relationships”



2. Drifting from Positive to Negative

“We tend to find what we are looking for, what we are focused on”


3. Failing to Listen

“We have two ears and one mouth- so we should listen with at least the same intensity reserved only for talking”










Strengths of Happy versus Unhappy Couples  regarding communication

(Survey findings from 21,000 couples - Olson)




Communication Issues          % in agreement


                                             Happy     Unhappy

                                             Couples    Couples


I am very satisfied with

how we talk to each other              90%        15%


My partner understands

how I feel                                       79%       13%


 I find it easy to express my

true feelings to my partner            96%       30%


My partner is a good listener        83%   18%


My partner does not make            79%       20%

comments that put me down





Men and Women -some possible key differences in communication



NB. These differences may be partly due to the fact that men’s and women’s brains are “wired” differently; they may also be due to personality differences, different forms of upbringing or environmental factors.



·        Women’s brains are alert to different facets of a situation

·        Men tend to want the facts

·        Women focus on friendship first

·        Men take one task at a time

·        Women are usually good verbal communicators

·        Men tend to be more conservative in their non verbal communication

·        Women can appear more physically engaged but appearances can be deceiving.

·        Men are often more direct and less concerned about feelings when arguing

·        Women sometimes apologise more to maintain the connections

·        Men may view apology as a loss of face

·        Women may use compliments to connect while men tend to offer evaluation and advice

·        Men prefer action and results in problem solving while

·        Women  prefer to discuss the problem and feelings involved; they tend to be better at solving a problem.

·        Men send e-mails to seek information, influence and respect

·        Women focus on relationships

·        Men need to understand that women express themselves through verbal communication and their feelings need to be acknowledged as opposed to explained away

·        Women need to know that a lack of communication on a man’s part may have nothing to do with a lack of affection

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